Leroy's Training

After Leroy's arm fininshed healing, he flew to Achimaru's place. Yet Achimaru was already expecting me. "I know what you want!", he said. "You do?", Leroy said surprised. "Well duh! I can read your mind.", he yelled.
"Well let's just get to the training!", Leroy demanded. "I can see how your moves are getting old. So I'll show you a new move", Achimaru spoke in a confident tone. "Well I guess, what are going to show me Achimaru?", Leroy queried. "First my pupil, I shall show you the Galactic Beam", Achimaru said. Achimaru then began charging two energy balls one green and one blue he then combined them. It made blue-green type of blast.
"Well alright then", Leroy said, "I'll do it perfectly!". So Leroy began charging my energy two of them appeared. Just as expected, one blue and one green. Great this'll be simple! Just as Achimaru did Leroy preformed a Galactic Beam even better than Achimaru, the creator of the move!
"Good, you did better than expected", Achimaru said.

Ok this is very oddly spoken, you are saying it like this "Leroy" character is controlling your body. By saying "I" but then stuff like "Leroy did" so it's like Leroy is moving your body for you, like a puppet act. You should type in 3rd person (I think they call it) as if you have watched the battle, and now storytelling it to someone else, if you get my drift... Cleric should approve this soon, he may have some things to say.

No, Cello it's the characters talking or thinking
the italicized text is Leroy thinkng

Holy crap I have the inability to recognize italics (forehead slap)
Still this is good, keep trying to expand.

MeredithPunk wrote:Holy crap I have the inability to recognize italics (forehead slap)
Still this is good, keep trying to expand.

thats one thing that I have a problem with but, this is about Depth not length

True, but you don't see many long rp's without much depth. Because with great depth comes length.. try it and you'll see.

true, true

Meredith, this is a test. I want to see your ability to grade appropriately and effectively. Do you think this is worthy of being approved?

Well maybe not training, this seems more like learning a move, and he only shoots one made up coloured beam, doesn't really train, I'd maybe check if the move was on his starting custom list or something, and then maybe ask for some expansion, so he actually does some real gruntwork.

After Leroy's arm fininshed healing from his battle with the termites, he flew to Achimaru's place. Yet Achimaru was already expecting Leroy. "I know what you want!", he said. "You do?", Leroy said surprised. "Well duh! I can read your mind.", he yelled.

"Well let's just get to the training!", Leroy demanded. "I can see how your moves are getting old. So I'll show you a new move", Achimaru spoke in a confident tone. "Well I guess, what are going to show me Achimaru?", Leroy queried. "First my pupil, I shall show you the Galactic Beam", Achimaru said.
Achimaru then began charging two energy balls one green and one blue he then combined them. It made blue-green type of blast. "Well alright then", Leroy said, "I'll do it perfectly!".

When Leroy tried combining the two energy balls, they both exploded in his hands. "Grr..I'm so stupid I can't do this simple task, if I can't do this then, who will!?!??", Leroy yelled angrily. Just as Achimaru did Leroy charged two energy balls balls except one came yellow and the other came blue. No! Don't tell I'm gonna fail this one two! Well a man can fail many times but a man doesn't fail as long as he tries.

Leroy then combined the two energy balls and made a beam. This time he did perfectly. "Wow I thought I was gonna fail this one master.", Leroy said shocked. "Good, you did better than expected. But, let me tell you this: every color is different for every person", Achimaru said. "I got it master!", Leroy said.

"Oh! and Leroy?" Achimaru called. "Yes master Achimaru what is it?", Leroy asked. "A message came from the Saiyans. It says to go to Namek because they have started a war. You should go there not for the saiyans, but for the Nameks. They are a very gentle race. Yet the Saiyans can get very rough when on the battle field.", Achimaru said. "Ok I'll go help the Nameks", Leroy said, "But, I will go at night because I need to make sure that I know this move perfectly."

Ok good you should have just edited your first one, but good job, I'd approve this.

Good grading, Meredith. Test over...

Training Accepted

Gains: Galactic Beam (imperfect), 250pl

You didn't do quite enough with your move, so it'll be imperfect for now. It won't hurt as much and it may backfire a couple of times.

Ok! I'll accept ^^